Tag Archives: fear


shaking the leg that’s attached to the foot, that’s perched on the c. 1901 wood floor, that’s supporting said leg and the other. I’ve prepared for the 11am interview as best I can–now all I have to do is stay awake until then. In about an hour and a half: send off 2017 email to Omitted (that I prepared an hour ago; tone veers tense, and rightfully so). Two hours ago: arrived from that city, where I spent the past two weeks glued to the slopes and off the screens and avoiding all work emails, especially the ones from the omitted who’s an asshat, who convinced my favorite person at work to leave, who may have also convinced me.

I am nervous for the interview, but confident that I’m (at least) within the top 3 on the list of ideal hires. I won’t look awake enough and this will work to my disadvantage. I’ll wear what I have worn to the interviews that have landed me jobs: a black shirt, a black sweater, black slacks, a colored pair of socks (tough shit if the color’s not their jam), a pair of shoes I like (that bring me closer to my ideal height, that are leather, laced and flat).

I spent the past week incredibly angry at Omitted (same instance as above). I shouldn’t be sending the email. I shouldn’t be acknowledging Omitted considering what Omitted’s been putting me through and what Omitted will put me through in 2017. I need the universe to toss me a loophole around this one, or a black hole and a little force. My sister tells me to plan for the worst, meanwhile I’ve only planned for what’s just a little worse than whatever’s transpired over the past few months. I told her that if it happens the way I think it might, that I’d tell everyone Omitted omitted, that I’d write a book about all the different ways he omitted as a way to keep track of the trajectory of the lie (that he omitted). I don’t know what I’m allowed to do and what I’m allowed to feel. My sister tells me I’ve assigned Omitted too much credit. I hesitate to believe her. I want to pretend the universe has something else in mind for us. I want to think Time has something else in store for us.

In around an hour: send the email. In around and hour and a half: leave for the interview.